A few days ago, I was reminded of how blessed my family truly is. Sometimes we forget because life just makes us busy and we don’t always take time to reflect on how far we’ve come. This morning as I was reciting affirmations and reading out loud the things I’m grateful for, I realized I needed to share my thoughts and journey on here. On Valentine’s Day my husband and I did what most couples do, we exchanged cards and gifts and we enjoyed a night in together. But what stuck out the most wasn’t the flowers, or the chocolate, or the wonderful meal we had together, it was a short but beautiful note that my husband left in my card. In the note he reminded me how we moved into the house we now live in on Valentine’s Day, nearly eight years ago and that he never would’ve thought that we would be sharing so many amazing memories together.
At that time we had just moved into our home after my husbands traumatic brain surgery and stroke. We had been living with his mother for about a month after we were released from the hospital and rehabilitation center. It wasn’t our fanciest most romantic Valentine’s Day, we barley had any furniture in our new house. A card table with a few chairs to eat meals at together, a bed and a couch. It wasn’t much, but it was ours and we felt blessed to be on our own again. In a place we could be alone and call home. It was a trying but somehow sweet time in our young marriage. When you’re helping your husband with common daily tasks most people can do on their own It really makes you appreciate good health and independence. We really leaned on each other during this time. It also created for us a special bond early on in our relationship. I will always be grateful for that bond, because it has gotten us through some really tough times.
I had just lost my job due to the recession and my husband had to dissolve his business as he was unable to work at all. It was sometimes hard to envision what the future would hold for us as a family, but somehow we clung to our faith. A few years later I was diagnosed with an extremely painful and debilitating autoimmune disorder, endometriosis, and underwent surgery to remove as much as possible. Another wrench was thrown into the mix, and at times we felt alone and confused while other times so loved and blessed. I think it’s just natural to go through these emotions. To say that I was always positive about the future wouldn’t be honest, I had moments of doubts and moments where I felt like God was truly taking care of things. The times I felt the tender mercies of my maker, really enlarged my heart and whispered that something great was at hand.
It’s been almost 10 years since we started trying to get pregnant. A few years after I was diagnosed with endometriosis, I started my Paleo journey along with natural healing methods. I tried accupuncture and was working closely with my acupuncturist to increase my chances of fertility. After about a year into the process I just decided to take a bit of a break from it all, it was wearing on me and I just needed to not put so much pressure on myself. I was grateful for the time we had to rebuild our lives together and trying to see the gift that it was to not have children at this point in our lives. With the celebration of my 36th birthday last month and a lot of prayer and planning with my sweet husband, we decided to not go the completely natural route this time. We feel that at some point in the next couple of years another surgery for him will probably occur, we may have more time, it’s just never known exactly when that will arise. With that and my age we have enrolled in an infertility program.
These are my fertility flowers, I have decided to keep them in my home as a reminder that beautiful things are to come. I will continue to replace them every week or so to keep me focused on the good things life has to offer. When you see a bouquet of flowers in my future posts, you can probably guess I am going to update you on our infertility journey. The ups and the downs, the triumphs and diapointments, because it’s all a part of this life. We take it as it comes, because we can find the good in anything that comes our way. We just have to open our eyes and our hearts.
I have started doing multiple tests and one of them showed that a surgery for me to repair some things in order to get pregnant may be necessary, so doing things 100% natural may just be out of the cards for us. I may not have been ok with that a few years ago, but today I am a peace with it. I have put so much time and energy into healing naturally, it really has put me in a much better place to become pregnant, God willing. We are diving in and are scared and excited all at the same time to see where things go. If needed we have decided that we are open to IVF, it’s just unclear if we need to go that route at this point. And if we never get pregnant, sure it will be hard, but we are willing to accept that and continue our plans for a family, whatever that means. Adoption has never been out of the question for us, we are excited to build our family whatever it takes.
I’m trying to be gentle with myself this year, I hope that whatever struggles you are dealing with that you will be gentle with yourself as well. There is so much love and beauty in this world. Please know that I am here for you whatever hard things you may be facing, your stories and perseverance give me hope and propel me forward. Thank you for sharing this journey with me. I will continue to update you along the way. We can do hard things, they help us grow stronger and keep us humble. May you find the blessings of this day and have a grateful heart, it truly is the key to happiness!
All my Love,